I had a phone chat with a soul sister earlier, that sounded more like a conversation with myself - revealing all sorts of truths and desires. When we hung up, I surrendered. I released all control of my thoughts and my to-do list. It's Friday night for fuck's sake.
I dug under my bed for the perfect lens to photograph the bright waxing crescent moon against the dark San Francisco sky. I twirled in the kitchen while a chicken roasted in the oven. I hummed through dinner in gratitude and allowed myself to be swept off my feet by the flow like young lovers moving blindly through the motions. Inspired, head over heels.
After dinner I ran a bath and filled it with a blend of apple cider vinegar and lavender essential oils. The bathroom dark and incense burning, a blend of scents and emotions that I recognize and love.
I lay in the bath with everything but my head, knees, and nipples submerged in the hot to warm water. Joni Mitchell sang about clouds and love and life - dejavu. I've been here before - come to think of it, I come into this exact emotional space once or twice a year.
A deep desire to rekindle the romance with myself. To lay out my energetic priorities, to reevaluate the most important relationship in my life. A reminder of what I need, what I want to focus on, and what I value most.
Last year at around this exact time, I house sat for a friend; but really she was the one doing me the favor. I was going through a time of rapid change and uncertainty with a forecast of amazing showers ahead, but uncertainty none the less.
I sat on her stoop without a sweater because the evening was surprisingly nice, just like tonight. For the first time in a while, I felt completely alone, knowing that I didn't owe anyone else an ounce of my energy. I pulled out my Moleskine and I played Joni Mitchell. And I cried.
I cried gratitude, faith, and wholeness. Just like tonight.
June, you remind me of me. I love you.